Coat Check Hazards

Sorry long time no post, life gets busy. Last night I had to also coat check and the way our coat check room is set up, it's cramped, tight, and you have to be super tall to reach the hanger. I lost my balance on the ladder and knocked my temple on the wall. Small bruise, hurts...all with the honorable goal to hang up that D&G coat I was admiring.

Maybe it's karma getting back at me for trying on all those furs and taking photos and uploading to Facebook.

Do I Really Want to Leave?

Let's face it. No one really wants to work as a hostess, server, or busboy...though in some restaurants, being a waiter is a career and an art. That I get...otherwise, it's necessary money for survival to supplement whatever aspiring career goals you may have. No one wants to do this forever. The physical work can be grueling and customers are annoying. Ironic isn't it? Customers are the life blood of a restaurant, yet they are annoying as hell.

I was off the past two Saturdays, mostly because it's been slower. Though hostessing is a supplemental job for me (supplemental but necessary), I often wonder what would I do with my time once I no longer need my extra job. It does scare me a little to let go of the one job that has me face to face with different people all the time, to know that there is more out there than the immediate people I deal with on a daily basis whether it be friends or co-workers at my other gig.

Right now I don't need to worry about what I'm doing on Friday and Saturday nights....I know I'm working. Don't get me wrong. I'm a social girl, but having to feel obligated to be social on the recreational nights of the week, and all of a sudden not having access to different people all the time, scares me a bit. At the same time, restaurant characters are way more colorful than the ones you encounter at a 9-5 job.

I know that one day I will leave. I don't want to have to hostess forever as it tires me, and there are times it's stressful (except when my managers sneak me drinks and food at the end of shift). Hey, I love my celebrity sitings.

Just know that when it does end, I'll be just a bit sad.

Tip Whore I Am

Random story....sometimes people come in to ask if they can just use the bathroom, and for the most part we say yes. I mean, what am I going to say, "No, hold it in, and go else where."

This lady comes in asking if she could use the restroom. I said, "Sure," and pointed where to go.

She tips me $5! Wow! Must've been a guilt tip.

We should start charging for bathroom usage from non customers.

More Annoying Co-Hostesses

What shall I name her? Naive Nymphette.

I suppose she and I should bond that we graduated from the same school though I'm way older than her. She's sweet and has some sort of a brain, but her presence has continued to annoy me big time.

First, she's is so damn touchy feely. I'm not un-affectionate, but if I don't know you well, I'm not going to be all over you the second time I meet you. Jeezus. One thing she does that bugs me is if I'm looking at the reservation screen, she'll look over my shoulder and rest her chin on my shoulder and leave it there like we're best friends. SUPER ANNOYING cause she does it all the time!!! Even her hair brushing on my arm bugs me now!

Also, yes, when it's slow, a number of waiters congregate at the front where the hostess stand is and we chit chat, but does she have to butt in to a separate conversation I'm having, and say, "What are you talking about? Who!??!"

Oh, and not to be superficial (but I am), she isn't the hottest thing in the world...I consider her a total plain Jane. She has a serious boyfriend, but she continues to flirt with staff. What the hell? Of course she keeps saying CONSTANTLY,"Oh, but I have a boyfriend, I shouldn't." IF YOU WERE REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND, YOU WOULDN"T EVEN BE LOOKING OR FLIRTING WITH THE OTHER GUYS.

Good-bye Chef Boy!

Ok, so I gotta admit. He asked me out once, but I think he was turned on by a majority of my insults at him, including saying he was gay and liked to screw the line cook every night in the freezer. Cute guy, told him no though, as with most chefs he's an absolute dick. This guy isn't the executive chef, but I nickname him "his bitch."

With this next story, considering he knows how it sux when customers linger...on his last night (a weeknight I might add), he had some of his friends come over to celebrate, and they stayed till 1 AM when our restaurant closes. That's pretty obnoxious since waiters want to go home, not to mention the kitchen and busboy staff that stay just to finish up that one table. Come on, peeps, go to a late night bar. Not only that, I heard they didn't tip that well. The waiter who stayed is bosom buddies with Chef Boy, and he was mad and made a comment about the tip. Supposedly the two best friends got in a huge fight, and Chef Boy said to the general manager, "Why do you even keep him around!?!" Nice thing to say about your friend, dood. Don't know why Chef Boy thought he could obnoxiously pull something like that on his last night.

My only sense of loss is that my weekly eye candy is gone.

Scarily Slow Summer (SSS)

It's scary how it's been so slow this summer. I know it's a combination of the economy and those rich folks going to their fine homes in The Hamptons.

It scares me though. Our GM doesn't think our head chef would let our place shut down, especially since some of the investors (big names I might add) use the place as their personal playground. Sales are down 50% though, and our Big Chief kinda sux at marketing. He just feels he can ride out the summer.

We'll see. I have some paronoia myself as I was told I did not need to come in tonight and only one host will do. Keep in mind it affects your income when you lost a shift.

Hope for the best. I've already been laid off from my full-time job back in June, though I am sort of working again, but even that venture is on shaky ground.

It's like investing, diversify. Work multiple jobs at once.

AMEX Black Card...ooohhhh

I've always heard about those AMEX Black cards...I think you have a $100,000 or even more on them. A customer used one the other night, and a waiter brought it up to me and my manager.

Those things are made of titanium, you can use it as a shield in Iraq, I swear to gawd!

Rich people, man....

Mother's Day=Stroller HELL

For some reason rich Manhattanites who decide to procreate think that NYC restaurants have more space than their apartments, so they don't realize it annoys the SHITE out of me when they all bring their strollers in, especially when it's magnified by 100 on Mother's Day!

ME: Miss, would you be kind enough to fold up your stroller, so I can check it?
MISS: Uh, I guess.

Yeah, like I have priority valet parking in our tiny coat check room with the other 10 strollers other parents decide to bring in.

Also, why do parents think it's ok to park a stroller in the middle of the dining room? Do they think the heavy traffic flow of bus boys, runners, and waiters with sharp knives and hot plates won't cause any serious injury??

Annoying comment of the day,"Oh, this restaurant is so stroller friendly."

Big eye roll from my maitre'd when he heard that one. Just because you see other moron parents bring strollers in and park them at the tables DOES NOT mean we are stroller friendly!

Gassy customers

There is a regular that comes in all the time. I personally think he's slightly sleazy, but whatever, he's loaded. He's also in his 70's.

My co-hostess wouldn't stand behind him because she heard and could smell his fart...twice during the night. Our hostess stand is close to the bar.

Why couldn't he be a silent killer?

Do you seriously don't know what a banquette is?

Tonight my maitre'd told me to give a four top two choices of tables:

ME: Miss, I can either sit you right here or upstairs.
WOMAN: Well, what's the difference?
ME: Well, upstairs is a table, but as you can see here this is a nice big banquette.
WOMAN: What's a banquette? (as she looks at the booth)

Is she for real?

Mother's Day...

I've agreed to do a double this Sunday: brunch and dinner. Black Sunday (i.e. Mother's Day) is coming up...what jerks will I be dealing with?

FUCK!

Customers Taking Forever On How to Sit Down Are Like Dogs Running Around in Circles Before Peeing

I'm a girl, but sorry, ladies, women are way pickier about men about food and where they sit. Also, they are so passive aggressive about it. A majority of a time if I lead a party to a table, and the woman doesn't like it...she just stares, pauses, and annoyingly asks every single person in the party, "Are you ok with this?" That is my queue to quickly place the menus down and run.

I've also observed with various parties, why the hell is it rocket science for you to figure out seating placement at a table..I'm talking about parties of 4 or more. I have stood there for what seems like at an eternity at a round booth, and the party is asking,"Where do you want to sit?" six million times to each other. Seriously, I compare it to a dog going around in circles on a patch of grass before he pisses.

STINKY CUSTOMERS!

I never had to check something so rank and foul as I did recently. A woman and her friend came to eat dinner, and she gave me her...I guess...shawl, but it looked like a big blanket. Even before that, I noticed that she SMELLED FOUL while walking to her table. Even a waiter commented that she stunk as she passed by him.

It was definitely her shawl, and she even had me hung it up as it left a trail of absolute putrid trailing behind me. EL GROSSNESS! I hung it up in the downstairs coat check which wasn't being used, and my manager said it stunk up the whole area. EW, the smell soaked into my hand I ran into the bathroom. It reeked of a combination of horse piss, farm barn, and NYC homeless subway people (sorry, but that' what it smelled like).

Later she apologized about the smell and said she just brought it from Africa. Who cares where it came from? LAUNDER IT!!!

Be sure the Bathroom Door is Locked!

Come on people. When you use one of those single person bathrooms...be sure the door is properly locked.

I walked in on a woman plopped on the toilet, butt sticking out. Only thing I got out of it is that she has no issues sitting her bare ass on a public toilet. Ew.

Spring Weather...darn :-(

As I sit here, I mourn the loss of potential coat check income I've been starting to lose as the weather warms up. Whenever there was freezing, cold, rainy weather outside, and customers were miserable coming in...$$ signs glowed in my eyes.

*sniff*

Asshole Customer of the Week Award Goes To...

Six top comes in...they're obviously going to order a big dinner, which means they've got some dough...and some old, annoying people with them:

ME: May I take your coats?
ASSHOLE WITH PARTY/OLD FOGIE: No, we have no tips or money for you!

And theereeeeee you have it..the asshole customer of the week goes to an old fogie that can obviously tip 15%-20% to the waiter and eat at a restaurant whose average price point is around $15-$20 for an entree, but he can't give me $1 tip for his coat.

May you lose you dentures in our bathroom toilet!

Hostess Wars!

One hostess, I shall call her...Mousey Sprousy...called me earlier this week to fill in for her Sunday brunch shift. I said that's fine.

The day before she calls me begging for the shift back because her plans changed, and she really needs the money because her shifts have gotten cut, blah, blah, blah....and I'm thinking,"We all need money, or else we wouldn't be here, and how TACKY of her to ask for her shift back!" But me, being the pushover that I am, gave it back to her. Granted, I'm super annoyed because I canceled a potential networking meeting to fill in for this brat.

Then Sunday night I found out she was out partying late Saturday, and texted 5 AM on Sunday another hostess to fill in for her Sunday brunch. I was FURIOUS!!!

Drop dead next time, Mousey Sprousey!

Stop Questioning Where I Seat You!

I love it when annoying customers try to argue there way to a bigger, better table.

A four top came in, and I sat them at a four top round table. The man at the table says,"We want to have one of those round booths over there."

ME: "I'm sorry, sir, but they are reserved for 5 and 6 tops."
HIM: "Well, I see only 2 people sitting at that one."
ME: "That's because they are waiting for the rest of their party, sir!"

Another appalling scene I saw is a three top that came in. A woman was the first of the party who arrived, and she had trouble walking and was on a cane. I felt bad enough I had to take her back to the furthest table in the back dining room, and I sat her at a nice corner booth. Her moron guests were like,"I don't want to sit here, let's move!" So this poor lady on the cane has to get up to accommodate her imbecile friends. In addition, they didn't take the seat at the new table that was closest to where she was coming from, she had to walk around. What is wrong with people??

Playing the Foreigner Card to Escape Tipping in the USA!!

You know what? I believe foreigners (particulary Europeans) know they must tip when they are in America, but choose not to by playing the foreigner card. I mean, when I go to Europe, I know NOT to tip, so when their asses come here, they should know TO tip!!

This applies to not just waiters but your darling hostess. A large party of Italians, I think a 6 top, were getting up, and my manager had me and another hostess go fetch their coats and TWO walkers for the elderly at the table. It took FOREVER for them to get up as I and my co-hostess were there mostly for physical support, gave them their coats, helped them out...NO TIP!

Stop playing the foreigner card, people. You know to tip!

Reservations: No, YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT TIME!

I do get annoyed when customers (who have never worked in a restaurant in their lives) treat me or wait staff like we're stupid when they think something is so simple. No, I don' t seat you in certain seats because we have a rotation. If we don't, we slam the waiters, your service comes slower, and you'd probably complain your waiter is stupid.

Reservations...no, you can't have anytime you want especially if it's taken by others because tables are scheduled estimated times as to how long a party will sit there then leave. The larger the party, the longer they tend to sit and linger, so the longer the time estimate.

This one lady was rather annoying:

ME: Thank you for calling. Can I help you?
BEAATCH: Yes, I'd likea 7 PM reservation for Saturday for 6 people.
ME: I'm so sorry m'aam that time slot is filled up. I have a 6:30 PM or 8:30 PM. Would you like either.
BEAATCH: But I want 7 PM
ME: As I said, m'aam, some parties have already reserved that time slot
BEAATCH: But I don't understand. I've been to your restaurant. It's BIG!
ME: M'aam, not all our tables seat 6 people in addition several parties already took the 7 PM timeslot
BEAATCH: Can't you just schedule me in for 7 PM?

UGH!!

Stroller Hell

If you've never worked in a NYC restaurant, they are not places to bring your babies unless you plan to put them in a high chair or place the carriage in a booth or on the chair OUT OF THE WAY OF WALKING TRAFFIC OF WAITERS, BUSBOYS, and OTHER CUSTOMERS.

So if you've ever had issues sitting down at a restaurant because you had a stroller, keep in mind it's a liability. Besides the fact your baby could be tripped on, spilled on, or SLICED. Oy!

I remember once at another restaurant I hostessed at, the dining room did not allow strollers at all. One father got so irate about it he tossed the menu back at the hostess. Jeez.

This past Sunday for brunch, these huge strollers came in...ugh, why ppl, why subject your kids or us to the fact you reproduced gets in the way of our doing our jobs!

Gross Habits

Bathroom doors are visible to the public where I hostess, and staff have to constantly walk back and forth by the doors since a kitchen door connects to it.

One customer was standing in line for the bathroom, and he was flossing his teeth right there! An expensive restaurant in a classy neighborhood, and he's FLOSSING his teeth.

ICK! Call the bomb squad.

When Customers Are Just Absolute DICKS!

We encourage RESERVATIONS. If you're a walk-in, we accomodate you the best we can, but I can't guarantee you the best seat in the house.

I sat this older couple at one of the bar section tables as they had no reservations, and that is what was available for dinner. Quite frankly it's still quite nice, so whatever! The guy did make a comment how he didn't want to sit at the bar, but my maitre'd told me to sit them there, and he didn't bitch enough to say "MOVE ME!" Besides the fact I automaticaly forget your face and who you are after I see you, just sit your ass there.

An hour and half later..he comes up to me:

ASS: Let me tell you. The food was GREAT. Our waitress was GREAT. But there are ALL THESE seats available right now, and you had to sit me at the bar!
ME: I'm so sorry sir, but...
ASS: I am staying at the hotel nearby for once/month for the next six months, and I'll NEVER come here again!

Seats are available now in the main dining room because it's towards the end of the night, and they were not available when he sat down as a WALK IN. Gawd, bite me.

I'm going to just BLOG about you!!! I have the power!

When Regulars Get Too Close...

I had mentioned that a number of regulars at UES restaurant are loaded. I mean, if they can eat here every day or several times a week, they have plenty of disposable income.

What shall I call this one gentleman...he's jolly, almost like a Santa Clause, sorta looks like one, he's probably in his late 50's, early 60's, really tall guy...once told us stories of how he was sleeping with a woman and how the condoms he bought were so small they sprang off of him, he didn't know he had bought extra small ones. Yes, I hear these stories. Let's call him....Mr. Swing Fling.

Don't get me wrong. Mr. Swing Fling is very nice, but it's not like he'd say no if I or any of the other female staff would go home with him. My co-hostess said she was hanging out wit him after work, and all I could think was, "You're FRIENDS with him? Friendly enough you'd hang out with him OUTSIDE of the restaurant?"

I have to say tough he was kind enough to give me cab $ to go home, which was very sweet, and they did offer for me to go out for a drink. Considering his apartment was close by the restaurant, I wonder if my co-hostess went home with him for some nookey.

Ah, colorful people I work with....

I Love My Pot Recipes...

You know that there are a number of restaurant staff, who at the very last, smoke weed right? That wonderful, gracious, waiter of yours could be the biggest pothead since Woodstock!

Anyways, so I'm standing at my hostess station as the maitre'd and manager are discussing how they smoke up...from their stash, in brownies, in any other recipe they can think of. This is start of shift, so it's early, peeps, can't be zonked out as a dinner crowd hits, but alas they are only talking about it.

The other night my co-hostess asked me towards the end of shift, "Smell me, smell me, do you smell anything." Selfish bitch went out and smoked a joint and didn't offer me one.

Celebrities!

A few weeks ago a very famous male actor came in who was once married to a famous supermodel. I was obsessed about checking his coat to see if he was extravagant or miserly, but alas, he did not check his coat. Of course everyone noticed him when he came in.

Over the weekend a very famous actress (of SNL fame) came in. I noticed when she sat down tables around her whipped out their phones and started texting their friends. Later one customer and his date told me he went up to their table and invited them to his improve troop's performance. Now that's rude I think, but whatever.

....and people call me a total star fucker....

Coat Check Nightmares

I don't think I've posted yet as to why you should not check your coat at a restaurant if you can help it. For the most part, it'll probably be ok, but I've heard and seen enough stuff that I won't check again if I don't have to:

• At some places, the coats aren't watched the whole time nor or always in secure locked places. I remember in one restaurant, there was no coat check person in the room, and the door was left unlocked. Anyone could've taken my coat!
• LOSING STUFF: Oh my gosh, I try to be as careful as possible to tie scarves to the hangers the coats are on, but stuff sometimes falls off the rack, and for the most part we find it. HOWEVER, last night was a nightmare as this woman "claims" we lost her brightly colored cashmere scarf. I and the other hostesses hauled ass and searched everywhere as our two managers were flipping out. I find it amazing out of all the stressful things that could happen on a busy night (computers go down, food runs out, customers throw shit fits at late reservations, stealing), that losing a personal item can make a manager go nuts. We could not find this lady's cashmere scarf, and she was obviously pissed. Our manager thinks she was lying since it was no where to be found and we looked all over. In addition, when she claimed it was "cashmere", our manager said she whispered to her friends and giggled. We could not find it anywhere! At the end, she told our manager she wanted his card because she was going to go to Saks to buy another scarf and send the bill to us.
• SWITCHING STUFF: I heard a story one time when a manager sent a staffer to NJ to attempt to return and obtain fur coats that were switched. Now that sux!
• STAFF TRY ON YOUR STUFF: I admit I oogle at the designer brand coats (Chanel, Lanvin, Genny, Dolce & Gabanna, Versace, Burberry), but trying them on....not yet. I heard there was a coat check room located down near the kitchen prep area, and the cooks would wear customer's fur coats while cutting meat. Ew!
• Ok, I admit, I snack on the coat room. My co-hostess though got some butter on a customer's coat...at least it was down/water resistant material

Though it makes me money when people coat check, I tell friends, don't check the coat.

Restaurant Regulars-everyone has a story

At UES Restaurant, it has this homey feel to it, so there are quite a few neighberhood regulars. One thing I notice about them is that they have money. They have enough disposable income to come in several times a week just to have dinner at the bar. UES Restaurant isn't cheap. The regulars tend to be a older. Our one bartender, I'll call him Zack....is great with the regulars. He knows them, they know him.

It's amazing with the way the economy is these days I observe the regulars eating at our restaurant quite often. To be honest, I think they are a little lonely, so the familiar setting is great, food is awesome, Zack is a great bartender, and people at the bar section tend to be chatty and social. And hey, they have the money, so why not.

One woman...let me call her Jane...I see her every time I work my shifts. She's very nice, orders a full entree, wine, appetizers...her bill must amount to $30-$50 each time. I must ask what she does. Another woman, let me call her Elba....huge chain smoker, skinny as a bone...I know she's divorced...probably in her 50's....definitely has the $ to spend every week.

Another gentleman who creeps me out though, let's call him John....he's friendly with the restaurant bartender, manager, etc....waiters even say hi to him. he's probably in his 70's. One night he was eyeing me the whole time and offered me a ride home...I'm like..."No, thank you!" Again, another person with a ton of money to throw down. I mean, in a recession, what tends to go first is eating out. My co-hostess told me she knows John and he frequests another restaurant she used to work with and that he takes waitresses and hostesses out quite a bit and pays. However, he won't reject any advancements if you get friendly with him...know what I mean.

The world is a lonely place, and I observe it in one of NYC's busiest restaurants.

Don't Gyp the Coat Check Tip, Jerk(s)!

I'm tired from a weekend of hostessing and keep in mind a majority of my money right now is coming from coat check tips. BTW, if you can't tip at least $1/coat or item, then DO NOT BOTHER CHECKING YOUR COAT! BRING YOUR COAT TO THE TABLE AND SIT YOUR ASS ON TOP OF IT!!! I DON"T CARE IF YOU HAVE NO ROOM!

$1/coat!!! NOT...$2 for 7 heavy coats that I have to lug over to you! How come the larger the party, the guests tend to forget to tip $1/coat!!

You have the same obligation to tip coat check as you do 15%-20% for a waiter!

BTW, at my restaurant, with entrees starting at $30 and go up from there, if you can afford to eat there, then you can afford to tip at least $1/coat!

I swear next time I'm trying all the high end designer ones I've been seeing just to secretly know I'm doing the equivalent of spitting into a customer's food!

Make a reservation, Stoopid!!

How come customers don't understand that unless you make a reservation, you will not necessarily be guaranteed a table or the best table in the house. Hello?!?!?

Also, just because a restaurant is dead empty at the start of dinner doesn't mean you can bitch and complain, "There are so many empty tables!! I don't get why we can't get a better table!!" Since you did not make a reservation, all those other tables are going to people who did!

A couple came in wanting to sit down, so the maitre'd had him sit at one of the bar tables....no the most ideal place to sit, but he'll be served. The man in the couple came back and asked what was the wait time for a table in the dining room.

Maitre'd: I can give you a table in the dining room, sir, but I'd have to give you an out time.
Customer: What? You going to tell us to get up and leave??

Maitre'd was definitely annoyed by that comment.

Make a reservation, STOOPID!

...And another customer bites the dust

I did mention before the kitchen staff bets into a pot each night and whoever guesses most accurately what time a customer falls down the steps connecting the two dining rooms, winner gets all.

I'm walking down the steps and up the steps comes a gentleman in a suit...he trips on the step and falls. He quickly gets back up, but I wouldn't exactly call it a moment of grace for him.

I and a waiter who witnessed it run up to the sous chef.

Sous chef (looking at me looking at him): "What? What is it?"
Waiter: "Hey, someone fell! How much was the pot?"
Me: "Yeah, someone fell! YAY!"

We're sickos.

Valentine's Day Purgatory

As my manager said,"What I thought would be a smooth night is so not happening." She even said to us,"Ok, everyone, smile, cause we're in serious trouble right now!"

Oy! To start, on of my co-hostesses came down with a bad bug during shift, so she was stuck in the bathroom for about 30 minutes then finally had to go home, which left more work for me and one other hostess especially with coat checking and seating people on a cold night. The main issue on Saturday night was that fricking couples were not getting up...get up dammit we need your tables!

Can you believe we got a huge hit around 9-10 PM because tables were so back logged? My manager had to comp one couple's bar drinks because of the wait. People were not getting up. Our maitre'd kept asking all us,"Tell me who is on dessert and on check!" and hounded waiters to get their tables to hurry TF up!!

So the night dragged, and dragged, and dragged. On top of that we ran out of certain dishes on a pricey prix-fixe dinner. Oy again! Then I heard something about the computers breaking down and not being able to print checks.

Around 9:30 PM a feeling of utter exhaustion came over me. I was in a serious dead zone running around trying to find a table that was getting up soon, to fetching coats. On the fashion side, the women were definitely decked out to impress their men. Notable coats included a Nanette Lepore and a Gucci. One customers saw me with a pile of coats, and he's like,"Like those coats huh?" I was like,"Yes, and I try them on when you're not looking." Oh ha ha ha...the irony...

I came away with $130 in coat check tips, which I suppose made the purgatory/hell night worth it. Unfortunately, I drank a vodka/mixer and red wine at the end of shift (we were all miserable) and got really sick.

Valentine's Day Is Coming....

...and I'm scared. How many couples are going to fight with the maitre'd to get the prized corner booths? BTW, it's a prix fixe per person, and it's kinda expensive in my opinion, but if people feel like they have to impress their significant other in this crappy economy, more power to them. I just want their coat check tips.

I'm going to say my hail Marys and sprinkle holy water on myself and pray that I will come out unscathed.

Women Customers Tend to Be More Annoying Than the Men...

I've noticed that it's mostly the females who have issues with where they sit in a restaurant. In a group of around five people, I sat the party down in this semi-circle banquette, and the woman in the group starts out by saying, "Oh..." Then asking each person,"Are you ok with this?" After everyone says yes, I could tell she was trying to garner sympathy to move tables. Accept the fact you're the only annoying person at the table, lady. Just I was going to make my high school track sprinting skills useful, she wants to move. UGH! It's a Saturday night, and my maitre'd is giving me the evil eye for being slow already. Passive aggressive customers are just as annoying as passive aggressive people!

In another instance, one Sunday, all I can say is this particular woman was WACKO, and I felt sorry for the waiter who had to deal with her. Let's call the waiter Jimmy. Let's call this woman Tammy Faye Baker. She is the first of her party of four to arrive, and when I seat her at a table she automatically wants a booth and says that table will be too cold since it's near the window. The table I brought her too is a common concern with a lot of customers, so I'm like...fine. I move her upstairs. BTW, I take her coat, and it's a GENNY...excellent Italian designer. I'm already sizing her up by her coat as I do with many customers. This lady has $$.
High maintenance + $ = DRAMA QUEEN LABEL WHORE

Now the wanting to move tables wasn't so bad if it weren't for the fact she told her waiter Jimmy that upstairs was too bright and to dim the lights. Wack! The place has nice ambient lighting what is she talking about?!?! I also found out later that she told one of her guests the incorrect street of the parking garage which I dictated to her as she recited it over the phone to him. Of course the man comes in blaming ME for saying the wrong directions when it was HER saying them incorrectly.

Final straw she's a psycho....she sent back two different glasses of wine Jimmy gave her. What is wrong with you!??! Jimmy commented that at the rate she was going, he was going to be there all night.

Please don't ever come back.

Customers, We Do Mock at Your Pain and Embarassment!

So at UES Restaurant, there are a set of stairs connecting one dining room to the second dining room. The kitchen is an open kitchen, so cooks can see out easily into the dining room and at the customers coming down the stairs.

I was walking behind a couple with their coats while the other hostess was in front leading them to their table. Right as she says,"Watch your step," at the stairs, the man slips a few steps, loses his balance, luckily he didn't fall down on his ass, but it still wasn't slick either.

I find out later that the whole kitchen puts money into a pot everyday. Money goes to the one who guesses correctly when a customer is going to fall down the stairs. I asked the sous chef if I could join in on the pot (girl needs money yo!), and he said, "No, you hostesses are the ones that make it happen. Don't tell them to watch their step!"

Gotcha!

The Key to the Free Food...reinforcement of a previous post

I just realized that the waiters really have no real power in sneaking me free food. Come on, give me that left over appetizer, entree that was accidently ordered, or just give me something. I need to buddy up more to one of the line cooks cause I really want to try some of the yummy meat dishes. Kiss ass to the spine of the front of house staff...the runners, busboys, and bar backs.

Tonight, one of the bar backs gave me a glass of sweet champagne...it was an extra order that no one drank. Uh, hell yes thank you!!!! I put it in a regular drinking glass, so instead it looked like juice. Hee, hee....

Ma'am!? How Dare You!?!?

Either people are pretentious, insecure, or are way too age conscious. I call a lot of women "ma'am" especially at the restaurant, but I was floored the other night to find two tables in the same night making some negative comment on being called ma'am.

A four top came in, and I carried their bar drinks over to the table when seating them. I said to the one of two ladies,"Here's your drink, ma'am." Then she said,"Ma'am? Whoa..." and the gentleman in her party said,"Yeah, that's intense." I'm thinking wtf is wrong with you people. So I said,"Miss??" And she said,"That's better." Unbelievable!! First off this woman looked in her late 30's early 40's...I myself look around mid-20's. Second, her server said she was obnoxious the whole time.

At another four top, I said to the woman,"Here is your menu, ma'am." The gentleman at the table said to me,"Does she look like a ma'am to you?" I'm like, deja fricking vu...what is up with people. This time I refused to say "miss" to give the ass the satisfaction unless he directly told me to say "miss." In addition, this woman was definitely in her 50's.

I told my manager about the first woman who got mad about being called ma'am, and he said,"When she leaves, I'll say 'Have a nice night, MA'AM!'"

What do people want me to say..."Yo, you!"

When kitchen staff and bus boys sneak you free food...

If you ever work in a restaurant, make good with the busboys and be nice to the kitchen staff. They watch your back, but in addition, they'll slip you some freebies. Don't you love it when an additional order of lamb shank is no longer needed....well, it has to go to someone!

Tonight, one of the pastry cooks asked me in his Mexican accent,"Want some chocolate?" I'm like, "HELL YEAH!" I got a full size serving of pineapple poundcake with chocolate saunce and vanilla ice cream. Of course I had to figure out how I was going to gulp it down out of sight of my manager, but I scarfed that thing down in two seconds.

I also love it when they staff sneak me and my co-hostess warm bread the restaurant makes that's dipped in this delicious hummus.

Heaven....

Coat Check Tip of the Day: If you're going to dump someone and leave immediately, don't check your coat...

I wasn't here for this, but I overheard the other hostesses saying that a couple came in the night before and they were fighting so loudly that the customers at adjoining tables were embarassed and were looking away. Keep in mind in NYC, tables are really close together.

Besides the fact it's highly tacky. UES Restaraunt is a nice place I think, and the behaviour is totally uncalled for. Maybe they were both too good looking for their own good.

The version I got is that they were fighting loudly, and the man left the woman at the table and was about to split. BUT it was so busy that it took forever to get his coat that the woman caught up with him, grabbed him and screeched, "Don't you dare do that to me again!!!"

Ah, folks, more dear readers, I will go into this much more, but alas, ANOTHER REASON to not check your coatbesides the potential for theft, gratuitous pawing from coat envy by your favorite coat check girl (i.e. me) and various sanitation issues.

xoxo

Russian Mafia Party---or so I nickamed them

We had a large party reservation of around 17 people on a busy Saturday night. They sat there way longer than they should have which messed up reservations for the night and backlogged a lot of people, but I suppose that's why large, large parties aren't booked that often. They sit there forever.

This party however was LOADED. LOADED!! They were Russian, and I nicknamed them the Russian mafia. We could've been at Russian Samovar instead. Going back to my coat envy, a 10 year old boy had a Burberry scarf. I checked some woman's Dolce & Gabanna coat, and the man sitting at the head table checked a Gucci, gray coat and Fendi scarf. Just like with Tommy Hilfiger clothing, he was totally BRANDED. This table was full of coat label whores. The Gucci/Fendi guy tipped me $20 for the whole table's coats.

I heard that their bill came up to $1,500 and that they ordered little alcohol. My reaction was, "HUH?!?"

"Are you the Smith Party?" --- please be honest....

Many times during a very busy night, I have to go search for a party at the bar paticuarly when practially everyone is waiting for their reservation to come up and people have been waiting overtime.

Do you really think you're being SO ORIGINAL when I ask, "Are you the Smith party?" and when you're not but you reply,"No, but we can be, oh ha ha ha!!" Do you think I haven't heard that every fucking night before from some schmuck who also thought it was original?

One time at another restaurant, some ass did say yes to be the party I asked for and followed me to the front when I then found out he lied thinking it would get him seated more quickly.

TIP: don't screw with me or any other hostess with that crap. Just like a waiter, I can spit in your food or drink too if you piss me off!

1/31: Coat Check Beef of the Day

I find it highly selfish and annoying when I have like...8 heavy coats in my hand for a large party, and when I arrive to the group, I ask please start taking from the top, but people automatically lunge for their own coat even if it's in the middle or bottom of the pile!

FIRST OFF...this makes it especially difficult for your coat check person to keep a hold of all the coats and SECOND it is totally SELFISH to not hold on to your friend's or dinner guests coats. I get so many,"I don't recognize that. That's not mine..OH that's mine."

When your co-restaurant staff annoy you and are inconsiderate of your time!!!!!!!

Don't get me wrong. I've been on friendly terms with other hostesses, coffee boys, waiters, etc. As with any work environment, there are some people who annoy the shit out of you.

For instance, one hostess, lets' call her Bianca one time I called to ask if I was scheduled that weekend. She said she'd ask the manager and call me back in 30 minutes. 1.5 hours go by no call. I had to call again when the manager was there and Bianca was like, "Oh, the manager is here, you can ask her." What happened to 30 minutes later?!?!

Second time Bianca calls me to ask if I can fill in last minute for an evening shift. I told her I can't get there till 7 PM cause I don't leave work till 6 PM, and I'm in street clothes, won't have a chance to go back home to change, but I'm happy to work. She said she'd call me back. Two hours go by no call...I called her again, "You need me or not?" She's like,"Oh, I don't think so, but the manager hasn't gotten back to me yet, I'll call you back in 10 min." No call!

First off, little girl, it's damn inconsiderate because I need to know what I'm doing after I leave work. Second, it's an extra avenue of money, and I'd like to know if it's happening even if you don't use me.

I swear the world is full of flakes! If you're going to do weed everyday, at least keep sober during work hours!

UES Restaurant's Management: Rather NIce! :-)

I must say that at UES Restaurant, the managers are the nicest I've worked with. Well, nice being they don't degrade me with nasty comments or look at me like I'm a piece of meat to drool over. The general manager just wants you to do your job, he helps out with seating customers, running food, dealing with crisis...the other two managers are the same. At least the GM knows how to use Facebook...gee, he's innovative. I don't think he knows I'm looking over his shoulder when he's on the computer cause I'm nosey.


One restaurant manager I worked with years ago at a major event space in the Bowery, he was a condecending ass (no, being French didn't have anything to do with it) besides the fact he was indicted before for embezzling $10,000 from a restaurant he worked with. Oh yeah, and he was sleeping with our phone receptionist....I'm digressing...Frenchie refused to learn how to use e-mail or the Internet. I discussed this with a friend who worked under him...he's horrible to work with but to know him and to go into one of his restaurants, he will treat you generously. He now works at one of those private restaurant clubs on the Upper East Side (though they let anyone in), and he comped us for our drinks and dessert and ordered the bartender to keep refilling my champagne...no charge and wouldn't take my tip.

Anyways, back to the present at UES Restaurant, no complaints really except perhaps the manager who also assigns customer seating on the floor gets snippy when we get slammed, but I really can't blame her.


Oh yeah, and I almost said "fuck you" to a busboy who yelled at me for getting in his way...please, how about I trip you with those ruby red Kate Spade ballet flats I bought?

Dress Code_I Hate Wearing All Black

Petty I know, but I wish I could wear something to show off my exuberant personality. I abhor wearing all black because I have this issue that it drowns me out, and I like to be unique to not confirm and be like the Borg collective. I also hardly own any black.

I mean, why do I want to look like I'm going to a funeral every time I work?

But as the hostess, I must wear all black though I keep asking the other hostesses about dress code, and they say they've gotten away with wearing various other colors. The general manager when he hired each of us separately also gave different directions: hair up, dress nicely all black not necssary, no make up, some make up, all black only...DUDE!!! Make up your mind!!!

I plan to jazz up my outfits a little with a touch of color here and there whether it be a shiny red ribbon in the hair or my snake skin ballet flats. I'll get to show I have some spunk!

Coat Envy

I'll have plenty to write about coat check later, but at UES Restaurant I have to also coat check as well. Yes, I do racially stereotype how you might tip me out based on the brand name coat you have, but there's never a 100% corrolation.

I must say though, the coats on women I notice the most just at first glance are the Burberry ones...not the coats with that annoying checkered plaid on there that screams "I'M A LABEL WHORE!" but the ones that are beautifully structured and tailored with some unique design or silhouette to them. I must admit I'm drooling as I carry coats like that back to the coat check room.

One gorgeous coat my co-hostess and I gushed at was a beautiful black fur with black leather buckles as the buttons. OMG, if I were into S&M I'd use that fur coat in all my sessions it was so fierce...(gay lingo from my fag hag days).

Probably the most impressive couple so far is a gentlemen that came in with his girlfriend. He wore a suede Louis Vuitton jacket, and she had a Christian Dior puffer. They tipped me $10 for fetching their coats. Proportionally that is excellent...and that already tells me he has $$.

With certain brands though, I'm neutral on. Ralph Lauren, Max Mara...those could easily be purchased at a T.J. Maxx sale. It's the Searles, Louis Vuittons, Burberrys that catch me.

Why is it the men are clueless when I ask them the brand name of their coat when I need a description to check it??

Annoying Sexual Comment from Male Customer

For the sake of ease, I'm going to refer to where I work as UES Restaurant (UES = Upper East Side).

Last Saturday around 5:30 PM, I was standing at the hostess station, and it wasn't busy at all since the dinner crowd had not arrived. I'm also close to the bar, and I'm standing next to two gentlemen having a drink, and they are discussing the Circuit City close out sale. One of the men commented how it was all bullshit and how it wasn't really I good deal.

After having read an article on not to be fooled by close out sales, I chimed in and said, "Yes, they jack up the prices intentionally to overcharge you, and you should wait for later when they actually bring it down."

Jerk says, "What? You telling me you have to sleep with them?"

Where the fuck did that comment come from I'm thinking in my head? If I weren't working, I would've stabbed the ass with a fork!

An Introduction....

I actually have a full-time job but choose to work part-time hostessing for various reasons: the economy, my credit card bill went a little crazy over that Betsey Johnson coat and Kate Spade ballet flats I wanted, the fact that I've been neurotic about money since being laid off from my first job after college. That was awhile ago, my dears.

I had grown up in a restaurant back home somewhere down South, but the NYC restaurant scene is totally different. For one, my parents made $10,000/month at the restaurant in its hey day, but at one notable B.R. Guest Restaurant on a Saturday night, $10,000 was what they made. The crowds in NYC are trendier, some people obviously act like they're entitled, but after all the different types I've interacted with no class=NO CLASS no matter who you are, and there is no difference between red necks acting ridiculously demanding versus rich snobs who own a brownstone on W. 83rd and Central Park West.

I did hostess and waitress part-time to supplement another full-time job when I was 24. I started out at an Internet company and I was living in the W. 80's b/w Columbus and Central Park West. Rent was high, and I needed supplemental income to stay in this trendy area though absolutely crappy studio. At first I thought it was refreshing to work around artists, musicians, actors in addition to the white collar types I dealt with at the Internet company I was at. But I was laid off, got a low paying job at a major museum full-time. However, working seven days a week was taking its toll just to make rent for a coffin of a studio in a cut up brown stone that cost me $1,350/month, so I moved to an area of Manhattan where my current place is big and at the time I paid $800/month. I love the ghetto.

It's 8 years later, and I never thought I'd do it again (work 7 days/week), but expenses always add up, and I'm not the type who wants to rely on the credit card. Though I make a decent salary at my full-time job, I find money to always fall short somehow (and I do budget, save, and have the 401K, IRA, etc), Plus I'm saving for classes that I want to take for career development.

I recently started a hostessing gig at a well-known restaurant on the Upper East Side, and coming back to this has reminded me of the colorful stories I end up telling friends about some wacky or rude customer, a hellish Saturday night where we're slammed, and the interesting restaurant staff I deal with. I just feel I should write it down. I'm also a big foodie, so it's somewhat torturous looking at all that good food I can't eat. Sniff! Unlike other places I worked, this restaurant does not give a comp meal at the end of the night to the hostesses. It's like being condemned in hell with a glass of water dangling in front of you that you can never have.